Homeless guy: I want to testify to you about Jesus Christ.
Me: [I stop listening.]
Homeless guy: ...and when I was 19, god chose me to save the world.
Me: [I start listening again.]
Fags in the Military
Jeremiah: So can I join the army yet?
Ryan: Oh, you mean Don't Ask Don't Tell?
Jeremiah: Yeah. I guess something happened sort of. John McCain looked pissed so I'm guessing it went in the gays favor.
Ryan: It looks like the DADT only passed the Senate Armed Services Committee vote. It still has a ways to go before fags can have sex in the military.
Ryan: Don't worry, I'll text you once you're allowed to serve in the military.
I just received an email from the government in Nigeria, saying they need to...– Homeless Library Patron
"The Politics Unlocked Summer Preview" →
Read this ‘summer preview’ column I wrote, or I’ll stab you. By the way, I’ll need your address so I know where to go for the aforementioned stabbing.
What a Liberal
Earlier today I mentioned that I am looking forward to going to a 'patriotic' 'motivational' 'non-time-wasting' seminar in a few weeks. My friend Ana and I are trying to convince another friend, Kristen, to come with us.
Ana: Tell Kristen about our amazing republican pre-gaming party, featuring guns, baby making, and freedom.
Ryan: I did! She's still intent on not going.
Ana: What a liberal. She's probably getting an abortion instead.
I've Never Been More Excited for America In My...
I stumbled across this life-altering event earlier today, courtesy of @kriten. It’s safe to say that I’ve never been more excited for something in my entire life. And that’s including my hysterectomy. Check out this sweet line up: Mitt Romney! Colin Powell! Bob Barker! Marie Osmond! John Walsh! Apolo Ohno! Sarah Palin! Young Patrick Duffy! Rudy Giuliani! I’m seriously...
Up Your Butt
Jeremiah: Where are you?
Ryan: Up your butt and around the corner.
Jeremiah: I think I'd know if something as unfunny as you were up my ass.
"Comedy Central Vs. Glenn Beck Vs. God" →
Here’s a column I wrote about Glenn Beck, whoever that is.
I love seeing homeless people play Farmville at the library. They may live on...
'Lost' Possibly Still Airing In Parallel... →
Johann: What's Lost?
Ryan: It's a spinoff show, based off one of the characters from 'Desperate Housewives.'
One of the women on Wisteria Lane moves to an island and becomes a smoke monster and starts killing people.
Johann: Ahhhh...I think I've heard of it. Isn't Renee Zellweger in it?
Ryan: No, you're thinking of a trash bag filled with vanilla pudding, plus a face.
You know why they call it Lost? It’s because they change the plot and...– My adorable mother
"50 Questions Lost Really Does Need To Answer" →
I expect tonight’s Lost finale to be 2 1/2 hours of the creators standing in front of a microphone and going down the list of these questions. If not, I will consider the finale a disappointment.
Auto-Correcting Van Halen
Ryan: I want you to train me how to debate.
Derek: Hagar ok.
Ryan: I have no idea what that means.
Derek: Ooops... "Hagar" should read "haha."
Derek: My auto-spelling corrector turned haha into Hagar.
Ryan: How ironic. My favorite member of Van Halen has always been Sammy Haha.
Martin Luther King Jr. Died For Your Sins
The following conversation took place in January, right before Martin Luther King Day.
Ryan: "I don't have to work tomorrow because a black guy was shot a few years ago." Insensitive?
Ryan: Dammit. You never let me have any fun.
Jeremiah: He was the father of the civil rights movement Ryan. How is that funny? He's the reason that gays have any sort of claim to civil rights; flismy and ridiculous as their claim is.
Ryan: I'm sorry, Jeremiah. I know how much civil rights and Martin Luther King mean to you.
Jeremiah: It hurts when you forget.
Ryan: Want to get matching "MLK for Life!" tattoos?
Jeremiah: I already have one. I shanked the guy who did it so there would never be another like it.
Ryan: That really disappoints me.
Jeremiah: Yeah it's amazing. It's a scene of him at the mall. It's the I have a dream speech and you can see god and Jesus up in the clouds listening to the speech.
Ryan: Is the entire scene taking place on the wings of a bald eagle? Because if it's not, I don't care.
Jeremiah: It's actually in the eye of a dove.
Ryan: Oh, well that's ok then. Does the dove have an olive branch in its beak?
Jeremiah: It's a sword actually. It there to remind us that while we strive for peace sometimes you must fight to take the things that our rightfully ours.
Ryan: Is the sword coated in the blood of Christian martyrs, symbolizing the fact that this great nation of ours is held up by the breath of Christ?
Jeremiah: Well duh.
Ryan: I guess I already knew that.
Jeremiah: Yeah it's sort of obvious.
When you have nothing to lose, it’s probably the best situation to be in...– Sarah Silverman
Damon Lindelof, the Cock Tease
Me: Will you find out if Damon Lindelof is gay? Google wasn't any help, so I gave up.
Kristen: He's married with a kid. Did Google not take you as far as his IMDB page?
I drove Phyllis Diller to the first two of her three abortions. She must have...– Roger, from ‘American Dad’
3 Months to live
The following conversation took place a few weeks ago when I missed an episode of 'Lost.'
Jeremiah: Hey did you hear what happened on Lost last night?
Ryan: I swear to god, I will not hesitate to murder you.
Jeremiah: Really? Funny you should mention murder. I'm just kidding. I don't know what happened.
Ryan: All I know is that it was a sad episode and some people cried last night.
Jeremiah: I heard that the island found a lump in one of it's breasts and only has like 3 months to live.
Ryan: Is the show continued on the Lifetime channel?
This woman totally happened this morning.
Life According to Rob Zombie
I generally don’t make a habit out of quoting Rob Zombie. Today, however, is a very special exception. I had a job interview this morning with a fantastic company, and while riding TRAX (“Our trains run so late, you’ll actually wish Benito Mussolini was still alive!”) I listened to an episode of Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist Podcast. This particular episode was with Rob...
Comedy Central Vs. Glenn Beck Vs. God →
This is a column I wrote for Politics Unlocked about Glenn Beck and Comedy Central and some other stuff. Read or not, I don’t care (yes I do) (no I don’t) (yes I do) (your mom).
Did anyone else have a dream that while visiting Las Vegas they ran into Sawyer from ‘Lost’ who was letting small frogs crawl all over his body while singing “real taco” and that the whole thing took place in the audience of a Chelsea Handler & Barry Manilow duet concert, or was that just me?
Chris Kelly: Who Do I Speak To About Getting... →
This is a post about how I am a champion for correctly predicting the mess that occurred on last night’s episode of GLEE. In case you forgot, here is a portion of my original post from two weeks ago: “I know - I JUST FUCKING KNOW - [GLEE is] eventually going to have a dream sequence episode…
Try is the first step to failure.– Homer J. Simpson, via @kriten (her response after I told her that I had set up another blog).
Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber →
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s just go ahead and cancel the entire internet. We will never be able to top this. Ever.
Buddy the Dog: i is wunteen to go owtsid on a wahk.
Ryan: No Buddy, it's raining outside.
Buddy the Dog: plees? i be so gud. i is reely wunteen to go owtsid and wahk arownd.
Ryan: I already told you, it's raining outside. You don't like to get wet, remember?
Buddy the Dog: how abowt just a lidel wahk. plees oh plees?
Ryan: Ok, shut up already! I'll talk you on a walk! But don't say I didn't warn you.
* * * 10 minutes later * * *
Buddy the Dog: can we go insid now? i no is likeen the rain cus i is all wet.
Ryan: I hate you.
CBS' Piece of @#$! Show →
I cannot overestimate how happy it makes me to hear that CBS’ new tv show, @#$! My Dad Says, is a piece of, for lack of a better word, @#$!. I’ve long held a grudge against kitschy one-note blogs that receive a book deal. Not only do these lazy writers receive financial compensation for essentially posting pictures, words and ideas that are sent in to them by other people, but such...
Jeremiah: Did you block me yesterday? You jackass.
Jeremiah: You're mean.
Ryan: You called me an alcoholic with no hair on my balls. You're mean.
Jeremiah: Are either of those untrue?
Ryan: You're still mean.
"Is She Or Isn't She – And Does it Matter?" →
A column I wrote about Elena Kagan liking girls. Please don’t read this.
Good Dream/Bad Dream
I had a terrible dream last night that while hanging out with my family, I learned that one of my ex-boyfriends (don’t get excited - I’ve only had 3 (that matter)) had died. In real life, he’s actually sick with something I prefer to not disclose here, so the fact that he may die is a possibility. So in the dream, as soon as I learned that he died I immediately called his mother...
At some point during my 5-mile run tomorrow morning, I will no doubt think to...
This Is My New Blog, All Over Your Face →
I just connected my new personal blog to my Twitter account, which means my blog is now public. Now all 1,126 of my followers on Twitter know this blog exists, which is 0.12% of the population of Detroit.
Rob Lowe is Dead
Marty: rob lowe died.
Ryan: Yeah right.
Marty: he did. on brothers and sisters.
Ryan: Oh. Well I don't care about that boring show.
Marty: but it's written by david sedaris
It's That Easy!
The following takes place at a library.
Ryan: How can I help you?
Homeless Person: It's very easy to counterfeit money.
Like a Phoenix, I Rise From the Ashes and Create...
This is my first blog post of the seventh blog I’ve created in the twenty-ninth year of my life (more commonly known as AS, or Annon Domini Shattuck). I’ve created several blogs and websites in the past - including Bullshattuck.com (RIP), RegalSeagull.com (RIP), and RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com (life support) - but I inevitably become bored of them after 6 months or 12 months or 30...