Tea Party Jesus: The words of Christians in the... →
Ladies and internet-men, I nominate this website for the website-of-the-week.
What? I didn’t know that fish fart!– My boss, in this morning’s meeting
Ryan's Enemies List
I’ve decided to start keeping an enemies list. Richard Nixon had an enemies list, and anything Richard Nixon can do, I can do better. The first two people on the list: Bo Burnham Justin Halpern This is going to be a very specific list. I could simply list people I don’t like, people I disagree with, or people who make our world a more dangerous place (i.e. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin,...
The Bush Women: Coming Out of the Liberal Closet →
Here’s a column I wrote a few weeks ago about Laura Bush being a closet liberal. I forgot to post the link to my blog because I had better things to do, like watch tv and eat pudding with a ladle.
I wish people could still smoke in hospitals.– My roommate, Jeremiah
Is it just me, or does Ke$ha have an ass that looks like two sad pancakes?– An online YouTube comment I just read.
Weight Loss Plan
Co-worker 1: You look a little thinner. Have you lost weight?
Co-worker 2: Yes, I've lost a little. When I die, I don't want as many resources used to cremate my body.
Is Mickey Rooney Behind @MickeyRooney on Twitter? →
I wonder who is behind the @MickeyRooney twitter account? Whoever he is, he’s probably really funny.
Say My Name, Say My Name
Drew: Mistyped your blog URL and google suggested I go to www.ryanshattuck.com. Was so informative about your recent endeavors!
Ryan: Ugh. Don't get me started. I came across that 12-year old punk a few weeks ago. He stole my domain name.
Drew: Hey, well at least everyone who Googles him will think he's gay, right?
Ryan: God, I hope so.
The Oil Spill In My Backyard →
A column I wrote about the oil spill at Liberty Park. (Note: No animals were harmed in the writing of this column. Except for a few oily ducks.)
How to Become a Millionaire, $4 at a Time
I’m a freelance writer. I occasionally look for writing jobs on Craigslist. Every now and again, I come across a Craigslist ad as follows: “We will pay you $4 to write 300 words articles!! How lucky!! Millionaire alert!! Start picking out your mansion!!” Who in the name of Donald Trump is responding to these ads? And why do these ‘employers’ think they can get away...
Things Jeremiah and I Discussed This Morning While...
The Amish probably believe Daylight Savings Time is wizardry. Jesus can probably brew coffee in his mouth. Time travel.
Ok, so you know how there are letters and there are numbers?– A co-worker, explaining the Dewey Decimal System.
The Worst Companies in America? →
Read this column I wrote. Or don’t.
Ryan: Are you at work?
Jeremiah: Yes. I don't know why.
Ryan: Um, why?
Jeremiah: I'm stuck in the internet.
Ryan: Yuck. Like, in Tron?
Jeremiah: I don't know what that means.
Ryan: Never mind.
Jeremiah: I'm not actually in the internet. I'm too fat. That doesn't make sense.
Ryan: Yeah, I guess I didn't think of that.
This Is Why I Have the Pulitzer Committee on Speed...
I’ve been in somewhat of a funk during the past few months, a topic which I’ve mentioned here and here. Specifically, I don’t know what to write. Even more specifically, Kitty Kelley already stole the idea for my next book. But I feel like things are starting to turn around! As the old saying goes, “When God closes a door, he opens a window. Because he farted, and...
Ana: How do I tell my Mormon friend not to have children?
Ryan: Ana, I love you so much that it confuses me.
Ana: I'm serious. I wish there was a way to literally cork it.
Ryan: You mean without them knowing?
Ana: I don't care if they know. They need to stop popping out babies.
Ryan: Perhaps you can say: "Hey, close your eyes and hold out your hand! I have a surprise for you!" Meanwhile, you're putting a cork in her vagina.
Ana: That is SUCH a good plan.
Ryan: Thank you. I'll file for the patent.
Get your picture with Jesus →
For your consideration, I submit the above link for the 2010 Viral Story of the Year. Make it happen, internet.
Jeremiah: I feel awful. I'm hot one minute, then I'm cold the next.
Ryan: I'm sorry you're still sick. Maybe you're going through menopause.
Jeremiah: I doubt it. Can you get menopause twice?
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me, Unless You're... →
Here’s the column I wrote about Elton John playing at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. A prize to whoever can find all the Elton John song references in the column! (Here’s a hint: there is no prize.)
My 3rd Twitter Anniversary
Dear internet, You may not know this but I’ve created a crapload of twitter accounts over the years, including the following: @BuddyTheDog (My retarded dog) @RFFAP (My ridiculous book) @RegalSeagull (The fabled Regal Seagull) @RegalSundance (The Regal Seagull’s Sundance account) @BobForGov (A Utah candidate for governor) @nipplequeen (I created this for a friend of mine) ...
Bill O'Reilly Isn't Gay for McDonald's →
Or is he? (hint: no he isn’t.)
Missing Library Item
Library patron: I can't find a book on a different floor in a different department that is completely different than this floor and has nothing to do with you.
Ryan: Did you talk to the librarian that is actually in charge of that floor and who could easily help you find the missing item?
Library patron: No.
Ryan: You need to do that.
Ryan's brain: And then never come back. Reading isn't your thing.
Won't Somebody Think About the BP Executives? →
This is a column I wrote about Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP and… um… fart joke.
Hey, it’s not lettin’.– Homeless library woman who assumed that because I work at a library that I must be clairvoyant and know exactly what she wanted and also she smelled and then I started looking for a new job and hey, what’s the deal with this economy? I mean, seriously.
The Republican Party Isn't Randy for Rand Paul →
Please read this column I wrote about Rand Paul, if only to read this paragraph: Sarah Palin has been allowed – and even encouraged – during the past 21 months to share her unsolicited opinion on: the War in Iraq, the War in Afghanistan, the War on Terror, Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, water board torture, sleep deprivation torture, Celine Dion music, off-shore drilling, on-shore...