"American Anti-Gay Blog Calls for McDonald’s... →
I believe this is the first time that one of my columns was quoted and used as a reference! That I know of! How moderately exciting! (Actually, about two years ago a Cher fan club quoted me extensively and called me an idiot for making one snide comment about Cher, but I don’t count that because I try to block most Cher-related memories from my brain.)
Who says that drunk gay men can’t celebrate Pioneer Day?
Library Patron: Do you have any books about John Hinckley?
Me: Let me check...
Library Patron: You know who that is, don't you?
Me: Isn't he the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan?
Library Patron: No, he was the president of the Mormon Church before he died.
Me: Oh, I think you mean Gordon Hinckley.
Library Patron: No, I mean John Hinckley.
Me: But John Hinckley wasn't the president of the Mormon Church. He was the guy who shot Reagan.
Library Patron: No, I want a book about the Mormon president.
Me: Gordon Hinckley.
Library Patron: No, I need a book about John Hinckley.
Me: Third floor.
"This Ain't Your Grandfather's Wage Inequality" →
Apparently I wrote a column about wage inequality.
Reading & Drinking
1st Library Patron: Do you have a book called "Diaries of an Alcoholic?"
2nd Library Patron: Why, do you have a problem?
1st Library Patron: No, it's a really funny book.
2nd Library Patron: I've never heard of it.
1st Library Patron: I read half of it a few months ago, but I feel asleep because I was drunk.
"Be Unafraid, Be Very Unafraid" →
Please read this column I wrote about the Russian spies hiding in the United States. If you don’t, I’ll tap your phone… and then your mom.
Up the Down Staircase
Library Patron: Is the 4th floor upstairs or downstairs?
Me: Well, we're on the 1st floor, so...
Library Patron: That doesn't answer my question.
How to Get an Agent
Carey: I read "Getting your book published for dummies." Not much help.
Ryan: Pick up a copy of the Children's Writer's Market book, make a list of agents, and begin contacting them. That alone will be maybe a month-long project.
Carey: That's exactly what I've been doing for my novel.
Ryan: It's tedious.
Carey: And soul sucking.
Carey: And when I sit in front of a computer all day at my full time job, exhausting.
Ryan: Exactly. And having to personalize and cater every single query letter to the specific requirements of the agent.
Carey: Can't I just offer them an ovary?
Saved By the Ringtone
Library Patron: Did I leave my cell phone here?
Me: Sorry, but I haven't seen a cell phone.
Library Patron: I just had it a second ago! Are you sure you haven't seen it?
Me: No sir, I haven't seen a cell phone.
[He becomes increasingly agitated.]
Library Patron: But it was just here! Where the hell is my phone?!
Me: I don't know sir. Would you like me to check our lost and found?
Library Patron: Yes.
[I check the lost and found. It isn't there]
Me: Sorry sir, but I didn't see your cell phone in the lost and found.
Library Patron: Can you call my phone?
[I dial the number he gives me.]
[His back pocket begins to ring.]
Library Patron: Oh. Here it is.
Sarah Palin Embraces the F-Word: Feminist →
I think I wrote this.
Impatience Is a Virtue
Super Patient Library Patron: Can I use one of those other computers?
Me: You have to reserve a computer to use one. Did you make a reservation?
Super Patient Library Patron: Yeah. But it gave me a 15 minute wait! What am I supposed to do until then?
Overpromised, Underwhelmed, and Diminutive →
Here’s a column I wrote about Barack Obama. If you like it, then let me know! If you don’t like it, then your mother’s a whore.
Ryan: I hate Facebook chat.
Holly: Me too - I wish it had a pop-out
Ryan: Yeah. It's very clunky and doesn't work on my work computer half the time.
Holly: you're very clunky and don't work half the time
Ryan: Um, zing.
Ryan: Your double-D bazongas.
Not So McChrystal Clear →
Here’s a column I wrote this week about Gen. Stanley McChrystal resigning due to his comments in a Rolling Stone article. Because if anyone should write a column about the military, it’s a dumb faggot.