October 2010
37 posts
Stone Cold Sober: Day 2
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
September 2010
40 posts
Of Vice and Men
[A squeaky clean BYU-looking library patron approaches the reference desk.]
Library Patron: Can you tell me where the closest Cold Stone Creamery is?
Me: [googling] It looks like the closest one is pretty far, in Murray.
Library Patron: I'm surprised you guys don't have one here.
Me: That's because our city has bars.
Stone Cold Sober: Day 1 (Again)
Yesterday afternoon, I wrote this:
Today is the first day of my 30 days without alcohol. I was actually going to start yesterday, but then, you know, I had breakfast.
So far, so good. I haven’t murdered anyone yet (depending on how you define “murder”), and I’ve been able to control my eye-twitches by holding perfectly still for 15 minutes at a time. I seriously don’t think this whole “30...
The Very Revolutionary Ending to a Revolutionary... →
From the Revolutions for Fun and Profit! blog:
Fellow revolutionaries:
Yesterday I wrote that I am retiring this blog. I am taking this blog out to pasture, shooting it in the face, and putting it out of its misery. Revolutions for Fun and Profit! will celebrate its 1-year anniversary in October, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to do with both the book and the website.
I also wrote...
"A Liberal Democrat Makes the Case for Meghan... →
“The Democrats want to destroy the Constitution! The Tea Party wants to reinstate slavery! The Republicans want to execute the homeless! Political discourse has become so divided during the past two years that any whiff of bipartisan neutrality is immediately overpowered by the pungent odor of political extremism.
Apparently Meghan McCain didn’t get the memo and/or...
Stone Cold Sober: Day 1
Here goes nothing.
Today is the first day of my 30 days without alcohol. I was actually going to start yesterday, but then, you know, I had breakfast.
So far, so good. I haven’t murdered anyone yet (depending on how you define “murder”), and I’ve been able to control my eye-twitches by holding perfectly still for 15 minutes at a time. I seriously don’t think this...
A Very Revolutionary Surprise →
From the Revolutions for Fun and Profit! blog:
Fellow revolutionaries:
It’s been about six months since I last updated this blog. I would apologize for giving up on this blog, if it weren’t for the fact that Rule #327 of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! clearly states that “Revolutionaries never apologize.” Sorry, but I don’t make the revolutionary rules.
Actually, I do make the revolutionary...
“I’m reading the book ‘Let the Great World Spin’ and I just...”
– Thought of the Day
Failure Has an Alcohol Content of 11%
McSweeneys announced the winners of their columnist contest. I will not be a columnist for McSweeneys.
So to recap:
The Daily Show internship (applied 1 x)
The Colbert Report internship (applied 1 x)
Saturday Night Live internship (applied 1 x)
The Onion News Network (applied 3 x)
MAD Magazine (submitted 5 x)
This American Life (submitted 5 x)
Publishers for my book (submitted to over 50...
Insomnia Is for Pussies
I’m writing this blog post at 3:00 am, while laying in bed next to a dog. So I apologize if this blog post sounds sleepily incoherent. Or is covered in dog hair.
As I often do, I fell asleep around 11:00 pm tonight, woke up again at 1:00 am, and have been battling insomnia since then. As usual, insomnia is winning. My battle with insomnia is not unlike the historical, factually...
Antiiiiicipation
“Due to the quality and quantity (we received over 1000 entries) of submissions to our Columnist Contest, we’re delaying the announcement of winners to Monday, September 27th.”
You’re killing me, McSweeney’s.
Celebrities... They're Just Like Us
Ana: A lot of people say I look like America Ferrera.
Ryan: I can definitely see that.
Ana: And when I grow up people will say Salma Hayek.
Ryan: Hey, here's a joke: what's the difference between Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz?
Ana: Nothing.
Ryan: Oh. I guess you're heard that one.
Construction Materials
Ryan: Somebody just asked me what the library is made out of. I don't know how to respond to that. Isn't it just made out of the same things that other buildings are made out of?
Ana: You should have said it's made out of dreams and hobo smell.
"Get Rich Quick: The Palin and Beck Way" →
Here’s some political column I wrote about Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck and patriotism and stolen wine bottles and plastic surgery and sexy affairs and Muppets and Dancing With the Stars and Yahoo! News and a hooker with a heart of gold.
Maybe not. But you’ll never know.
“I believe that Miss Piggy, in response in the infamous Meat Dress, should wear a...”
– Thought Of the Day
"Fill ‘er up: self-serve tanks bring wine to... →
Keg wine and wine vending machines just got supersized: 500 and one-thousand liter kegs have landed in French supermarkets.
Bring your own resealable bottles, Poland Spring containers, jerrycans, whatever. Or you can get one at the store. Select your grade (red, white, or rosé). Pump. Print receipt.
Good everybody. I’m moving to France. Tomorrow.
I Can Stop Poetry Anytime I Want
Ryan: Here's the quote of day: "Wine is bottled poetry." --Robert Louis Stevenson.
Jeremiah: Don't you think you've had enough poetry? You're like a poetryholic.
Ryan: I should probably go to Poetryholics Anonymous.
Free Therapy
Library patron: [whispering] Can you tell me where your books on social anxiety disorder are?
Ryan: I'm sorry, you have to speak up.
Library patron: [whispering louder] Where are your books on social anxiety disorder?
Ryan: I'm afraid I still can't here you.
Library patron: [yelling] WHERE ARE YOUR BOOKS ON SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER?
Ryan: Third floor.
Have It Your Way
Library Patron: Is this where I register?
Me: Register for what?
Library Patron: For Burger King.
Me: No.
scottspjut asked: How many people wouldn't have known today was "90210" day if it wasn't for the Internet?
More importantly, how many important cultural, social, and life anomalies like this have we - as a people - missed out on? Even if someone 30 years ago were to think of something like this, they would have to plan pretty far ahead to spread the word.
How do we...
More importantly, how many important cultural, social, and life anomalies like this have we - as a people - missed out on? Even if someone 30 years ago were to think of something like this, they would have to plan pretty far ahead to spread the word.
How do we...
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Ask Me Anything, Because I'm Starved for Attention
I’m sure I’m going to immediately and deeply regret this, but I finally enabled the ‘question’ feature on my ridiculous little blog. So now you can ask me anything and everything you’ve always wanted to know, with the small exception of “Will you have sex with me?” or “Which is your favorite wine?”
Because the correct answer to both questions...
