Library Patron: I'm looking for a book on the 3rd floor. What floor are we on?
Me: The 1st floor.
Library Patron: So the 3rd floor would be downstairs?
I’m sorry Katy Perry broke up with you. That and the kidney stone made for...– a text message from Ana Breton
Homeless Man: Do you have a quarter for my disorder?
Me: I do not have a quarter for your disorder.
Homeless Man: [maniacal laugh]
Oh my god, there is so much hot vag in that room right now.– @borgdrone, describing the Kennedy Center Awards
Protagonist checks the weather on his iPhone app. He sees it’s not snowing...
Only VIPs have postcards. Everyone else has resumes.– advice I just received from a homeless man
so I guess I’ll hAve to check. I am going there tomorrow. et me know if by...– a Facebook message from my mother
My dog is terrified of Kermit the Frog.
Coldplay sucks.– drunk Gwyneth Paltrow (via audiovaudeville)
The World's Biggest Insect Is So Freaking Huge It... →
I put on a pair of pants right before I read this article, simply so that I could crap them.