It breaks my heart when I see children flipping each other off. Their fingers are so small, that it doesn’t really have any effect.
Ryan: Where are you going?
Jeremiah: Nowhere, I'm just moving to the other side of the couch.
Ryan: Do you need me to stamp your passport for you?
From the looks of it, it appears that he tried to shovel a bowl of scalding...– police, investigating my death
Does your library carry Louis L’Amour books?– nobody under the age of 75
Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, and Mark Zuckerberg. I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall in that room.
Can you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?– tonight’s episode of ‘Community’
The Death of Julie Andrews
Ryan: I need to know which is the funniest way to say this: "I hope Julie Andrew never dies. But if she does, I hope it's by jumping off a balcony while holding an open umbrella." OR "I hope Julie Andrew never dies. But if she does, I hope it's by falling off a balcony while holding an open umbrella."
Ryan: Ok. Is it even funny at all?
Jeremiah: I think something about a spoonful of sugar and type 2 diabetes is funnier but that's just me.
Jeremiah: But I don't have a joke for it.
Ryan: I think I just liked the idea of Julie Andrews giving up on life, and deciding to leap to her death as if she were Mary Poppins.
Jeremiah: Maybe something about her being found in a hotel room in London surrounded by silver spoons and bags of C&H Sugar.
Ryan: Or the police find her in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, muttering to herself "just a spoonful... that's all it was... just a spoonful..."
Jeremiah: Freebasing sugar packets in a commemerative spoon from Prince Williams Wedding.
Ryan: "There, right there! The dancing penguins! Am I really the only one who sees the dancing penguins?"
Jeremiah: Poor Julie.
I hope Julie Andrews never dies. But if she does, I hope it’s by jumping off a balcony while holding an open umbrella.
I’m getting too old for this.– me, after peeing standing up
Teenagers are God’s worst creation.
If you kidnap a race of people from Africa and force them to live in Detroit,...– Bill Maher
Just a friendly reminder: if you are a soccer mom who’s running late to pick up your bratty child from practice, then you reserve the right to run over any & all pedestrians who make the mistake of legally crossing the street at the crosswalk.
Suicide is Painless
Ryan: I just emailed you a blog post, written by the guy I obsess over at The Onion.
Jeremiah: He's so funny. It's like he's not even trying. I bet he wrote this on a napkin at breakfast this morning.
Ryan: Sometimes I wonder if your only goal in life is to be name-checked in my eventual suicide letter.
Jeremiah: I don't expect to be in the first paragraph, obviously that one is reserved for your mother. But anything lower than the second is UNACCEPTABLE!
I hope none of my gay ancestors are looking down from heaven, because they would be really embarrassed by how I’m dressed to day.
I just heard someone at Subway order a “Seafood Special on Honey Wheat” sandwich. Or I’m having a stroke, and only imagined someone saying that.
Drag is not a contact sport.– words to live by
Fun fact: Every time somebody sets up a season pass on their DVR for ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians,’ the Statue of Liberty sheds a single tear.
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Ryan: I'm going to bed.
Jeremiah: Stay up and watch tv with me!
Ryan: Stop peer pressuring me to stay up.
Jeremiah: Oh Ryan, you're not my peer.
That's What Friends Are For
Jeremiah: So what happened to you last night? Were you throwing up?
Ryan: Yes ma'am
Ryan: I know. It's been awhile since I threw up like that.
Jeremiah: I was going to say something but then it got quiet. so I figured you were either okay or dead. Either way, there wasn't much I felt I could do at that point.
Ryan: And then you checked your watch, and thought "well, I've done enough good for one night"
The Super Bowl will be followed by an episode of Glee. That’s like ending a Ku Klux Klan meeting with a screening of a Tyler Perry movie.
Soap Library, Part 2
Jeremiah: Not that this is a problem but the smell of soap also keeps deer away. Does the Library have a problem with deer because a soap library would solve that one as well.
Ryan: I'll bring that up at the next "library materials" meeting.
Jeremiah: I'd be happy to put together a slide show on the topic. I'll just need $19,000 to put it all together and present it.
I’m worried about the political ramifications Egypt’s protests will have on the Luxor in Las Vegas.
Soap Library, Part 1
Jeremiah: I bet not as many homeless people would hang out at the library if it was made out of soap.
Ryan: Or jobs.
Where would I find the regular adult books?– a library patron
Foursquare is Not Illegal →
audiovaudeville: Audio Vaudeville is now on Foursquare! So start following us. We have no idea what we’re actually going to do with our new Foursquare account, but it will probably involve something moderately illegal (money laundering, racketeering, etc.) Speaking of “illegal” and “things that are pointless,” isn’t it weird to think that you can download a pirated copy of Justin Bieber’s...
The movie ‘Secretariat’ is about a horse secretary who sleeps with her boss, right? Or am I confusing that with the last episode of ‘Mad Men’?