April 2011
13 posts
1 tag
“What’s the name of the IQ test that you take to get into Harvard?...”
– A pregnant library patron who looked a lot like Snooki
March 2011
34 posts
1 tag
The Curse of Russell Brand
Subway Employee: ...he was the rock star boyfriend in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ryan: Sorry to interrupt your conversation, but were you just telling your co-worker that I look like Russell Brand?
Subway Employee: Yes!! How did you know?
I just saw a woman wearing a McDonald’s employee uniform. Her shirt read “I’m Lovin’ It.” She looked really, really sad.
1 tag
2 tags
Homeless Guy: Hey friend, spare a cigarette?
Ryan: Sorry, don't have one.
Homeless Guy: Look, I'll buy it off you.
Ryan: I don't smoke.
Homeless Guy: C'mon, man! Just one cigarette.
Ryan: I'm Mormon.
Homeless Guy: Sorry to bother you.
1 tag
A beautiful, well-dressed man, clearly gay, got on the train about 10 minutes ago. He sat down, put his bag on the seat, and pulled out his: Book of Mormon.
I’m SO tired of living in Utah.
“Either God can do nothing to stop catastrophes like this, or he doesn’t care to,...”
– Sam Harris, on Japan Tsunami and god. (via liberalsarecool)
I’m thinking about reading ‘The Indian in the Cupboard’ again. I always cry at the part where the Indian comes out of the cupboard and admits he’s gay.
"Taylor Swift Lends Voice to 'The Lorax' Movie" →
Does anyone have the phone number of a good grief counselor? My childhood’s just been raped.
“…and that’s how Arnold Schwarzenegger became pregnant.”
– stories I’ll tell my children
Ryan: Do they wear green in Ireland on St. Patrick's Day?
Dave: Of course they do. They wear green every single day in Ireland. They're not a very fashion-forward people.
“Kiss me, I’m Irish.”
– Whores
Q: What did the cannibal say to the girl selling girl scout cookies?
A: Nothing, because he was deaf.
1 tag
Library patron: What was the name of that president who had sex in the White House?
Me: Um... Bill Clinton?
audiovaudeville:
“Episode 5: The Protest Show”...
Ryan: I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and feel FANTASTIC this morning. Should I be worried?!
Ana: Congratulations! You are finally immune to wine.
Ryan: It's about time.
1 tag
“Can I talk to your supervisor? I’m trying to enter the Guinness Book of...”
– an actual question a library patron just asked me
"Paula Deen Riding Things" →
This is the reason the Internet was invented. In case you were wondering.
“I’d probably say ‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ is my least...”
– Helen Keller
“If you’re not drinking boxed wine out of a coffee mug, then you’re...”
"Why Evangelicals Hate Jesus" →
Happy Sunday, everyone!
“And in this promised land, all theatrical productions, no matter how good or...”
– Brigham Young, to the pioneers
"Tim DeChristopher Found Guilty" →
This disgusts me.
I’d be willing to bet that the majority of those Salt Lake Tribune readers who believe Tim is a ‘criminal’ are over the age of 65, and thus don’t care about the environment because they’ll soon be dead anyway.
“And they had these little stickers which read ‘Be Kind, Please...”
– stories I’ll tell when I’m a grandfather 