What’s the name of the IQ test that you take to get into Harvard?...– A pregnant library patron who looked a lot like Snooki
The Curse of Russell Brand
Subway Employee: ...he was the rock star boyfriend in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ryan: Sorry to interrupt your conversation, but were you just telling your co-worker that I look like Russell Brand?
Subway Employee: Yes!! How did you know?
I just saw a woman wearing a McDonald’s employee uniform. Her shirt read “I’m Lovin’ It.” She looked really, really sad.
Homeless Guy: Hey friend, spare a cigarette?
Ryan: Sorry, don't have one.
Homeless Guy: Look, I'll buy it off you.
Ryan: I don't smoke.
Homeless Guy: C'mon, man! Just one cigarette.
Ryan: I'm Mormon.
Homeless Guy: Sorry to bother you.
A beautiful, well-dressed man, clearly gay, got on the train about 10 minutes ago. He sat down, put his bag on the seat, and pulled out his: Book of Mormon. I’m SO tired of living in Utah.
Either God can do nothing to stop catastrophes like this, or he doesn’t care to,...– Sam Harris, on Japan Tsunami and god. (via liberalsarecool)
I’m thinking about reading ‘The Indian in the Cupboard’ again. I always cry at the part where the Indian comes out of the cupboard and admits he’s gay.
"Taylor Swift Lends Voice to 'The Lorax' Movie" →
Does anyone have the phone number of a good grief counselor? My childhood’s just been raped.
…and that’s how Arnold Schwarzenegger became pregnant.– stories I’ll tell my children
Ryan: Do they wear green in Ireland on St. Patrick's Day?
Dave: Of course they do. They wear green every single day in Ireland. They're not a very fashion-forward people.
Kiss me, I’m Irish.– Whores
Q: What did the cannibal say to the girl selling girl scout cookies?
A: Nothing, because he was deaf.
Library patron: What was the name of that president who had sex in the White House?
Me: Um... Bill Clinton?
audiovaudeville: “Episode 5: The Protest Show”...
Ryan: I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and feel FANTASTIC this morning. Should I be worried?!
Ana: Congratulations! You are finally immune to wine.
Ryan: It's about time.
Can I talk to your supervisor? I’m trying to enter the Guinness Book of...– an actual question a library patron just asked me
"Paula Deen Riding Things" →
This is the reason the Internet was invented. In case you were wondering.
I’d probably say ‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’ is my least...– Helen Keller
If you’re not drinking boxed wine out of a coffee mug, then you’re...
"Why Evangelicals Hate Jesus" →
Happy Sunday, everyone!
And in this promised land, all theatrical productions, no matter how good or...– Brigham Young, to the pioneers
"Tim DeChristopher Found Guilty" →
This disgusts me. I’d be willing to bet that the majority of those Salt Lake Tribune readers who believe Tim is a ‘criminal’ are over the age of 65, and thus don’t care about the environment because they’ll soon be dead anyway.
And they had these little stickers which read ‘Be Kind, Please...– stories I’ll tell when I’m a grandfather