February 2011
40 posts
It breaks my heart when I see children flipping each other off.
Their fingers are so small, that it doesn’t really have any effect.
Travelogue
Ryan: Where are you going?
Jeremiah: Nowhere, I'm just moving to the other side of the couch.
Ryan: Do you need me to stamp your passport for you?
“From the looks of it, it appears that he tried to shovel a bowl of scalding...”
– police, investigating my death
“Does your library carry Louis L’Amour books?”
– nobody under the age of 75
Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, and Mark Zuckerberg. I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall in that room.
“Can you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?”
– tonight’s episode of ‘Community’
The Death of Julie Andrews
Ryan: I need to know which is the funniest way to say this: "I hope Julie Andrew never dies. But if she does, I hope it's by jumping off a balcony while holding an open umbrella." OR "I hope Julie Andrew never dies. But if she does, I hope it's by falling off a balcony while holding an open umbrella."
Jeremiah: Jumping?
Ryan: Ok. Is it even funny at all?
Jeremiah: I think something about a spoonful of sugar and type 2 diabetes is funnier but that's just me.
Ryan: Hmmm...
Jeremiah: But I don't have a joke for it.
Ryan: I think I just liked the idea of Julie Andrews giving up on life, and deciding to leap to her death as if she were Mary Poppins.
Jeremiah: Maybe something about her being found in a hotel room in London surrounded by silver spoons and bags of C&H Sugar.
Ryan: Or the police find her in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, muttering to herself "just a spoonful... that's all it was... just a spoonful..."
Jeremiah: Freebasing sugar packets in a commemerative spoon from Prince Williams Wedding.
Ryan: "There, right there! The dancing penguins! Am I really the only one who sees the dancing penguins?"
Jeremiah: Poor Julie.
I hope Julie Andrews never dies. But if she does, I hope it’s by jumping off a balcony while holding an open umbrella.
“I’m getting too old for this.”
– me, after peeing standing up
Teenagers are God’s worst creation.
“If you kidnap a race of people from Africa and force them to live in Detroit,...”
– Bill Maher
Just a friendly reminder: if you are a soccer mom who’s running late to pick up your bratty child from practice, then you reserve the right to run over any & all pedestrians who make the mistake of legally crossing the street at the crosswalk.
