Facebook bought Instagram?! Screw them… they’re going to ruin my...– starving children in Sudan
E.T. is coming down from space and playing with our DNA … [5 minutes...– a homeless man on the bus
My boyfriend: I am sooo done with today. I'm so tired!
Me: I'm exhausted. I want to curl up under my desk and fall asleep.
My boyfriend: My stomach's unhappy too.
Me: I have a headache!
My boyfriend: I just broke all my ribs AND my pelvis.
Me: I just watched a girl scout murder a hobo.
My boyfriend: That hobo was me.
The Benefits of Being a Homosexual
LIBRARY PATRON: "I'm looking for a book by Armistead, um..."
ME: "Armistead Maupin."
LIBRARY PATRON: "Yes. It's called Tales of, um..."
ME: "Tales of the City."
LIBRARY PATRON: "Yes, that's the one!"
Dog: "Please wake up and feed me. I'm starving."
Me: "Ok dog, here is some food."
[dog sniffs food]
Dog: "No thank you."
While walking to work today, I saw a Mexican woman who was selling elotes-on-a-stick!! A Mexican elote consists of corn, mayonnaise, chili powder, butter etc. I used to get them on my mission in Mexico, and they were DELICIOUS!! The last time I had one was about 10 years ago… so I bought one from her!! I took one bite and almost threw up. So I threw it away. The end.
Lets just cut to the chase and make it illegal for women. — Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) March 3, 2012